DGrayMan's Great BahHumbug
by E.R. Burke
Summary: Kanda never was much a person to enjoy holidays, but when he's charged with the attempted murder of Santa and various other things, he's forced to work with Jasdevi to escape Christmas Jail. Crack. No pairings. FINISHED!
1. Kanda vs Santa

This is the first in a probably 2-part Christmas themed -Man story. No pairings, just insanity. Rated T for language and some violence later on... and a little here. Because, it is Kanda we're talking about after all.

**-Man's Great Bah-Humbug **

**~Kanda Kills Santa~**

Sitting absent-mindedly with all kinds of happy little visions swirling in his head of the ever nearing holiday, Allen Walker was quite anxious about the events of Christmas. It was a magical sort of time in the Dark Religious Organization. Every corner was lit with beautiful colored lights. Every inch of the huge building had been polished to a perfectly shining pearly hue. There had been a giant tree set out in the lobby that was adorned by the most lavish and lovely ornaments to be found, along with one from every one of the organization's members. There was a bright happiness in the eyes of almost everybody even as they went about even the most monotonous duties.

Almost everybody.

As usual, Allen could see that Kanda was **not** being the life of the party. Go figure.

He was walking in his usual sulky and self-righteous way, holding his head high and looking down on everybody. However, for the last few weeks he had seemed especially annoyed with everybody who came near. This was a feat Allen had previously thought impossible. And it was made worse by the fact Kanda seemed completely set upon making everybody else miserable at one of the happiest times of the year.

It was well-agreed that Yu was being a twat.

Allen was passing through the halls when he was unfortunate enough to catch sight of the unhappy exorcist. 'Oh man,' the white-headed boy thought to himself. 'Don't make eye contact! Just keep walking like you don't even see him!'

Allen's face, unfortunately, was a dead giveaway that he was not willing to talk to Kanda, and the swordsman picked up on it. Poor Allen.

"What are you looking at, Moyashi?!"

"N-nothing! I was just-"

"Just what?!" Kanda, without really waiting for (or caring for) what Allen was going to say, picked him up by the collar of the shirt and held him off of the floor. As expected, he had that "really ticked off" evil look on his face. "I don't want to hear any of the 'it's Christmas' bull shit either. Understand that, Moyashi?!"

"It's… It's _Allen_." Probably one of the worse mistakes the boy could have made by saying that.

~~~***~~~***

"Has anybody seen Allen?" Lenalee was searching all over for the boy, and it wasn't really going well for her. She'd looked everywhere, including the cafeteria… twice.

Of course, nobody really knew where to find him. Kanda was good that way. It kind of made everybody wonder if he had anything to do with the many other missing exorcists that had 'left' during holidays.

…Nah.

Lenalee sighed deeply and looked out the window in a wistful manner. The white snow was falling down in little glowing crystal patches from the heavens. It was absolutely delightful. The world was washed clean and sparkled in the sun. Truly, it was magical.

In her daze, she looked downwards off of that extremely high floor and saw a little black speck down on the ground. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a shoe… no, it was a whole leg! It was just sticking out of the snow right there.

Already kind of knowing what had happened, Lenalee made her way casually and comfortable down the seemingly endless flights of stairs and outside, then around the corner to the frozen Allen.

"Picked a fight with Kanda, didn't you?" She just spoke as if it was normal and it happened every week. And, come to think of it, it did. Sometimes twice in a week. On New Year's Eve last year he'd sent four people out of a window on the top floor at once. But the only person who got hurt was Lavi, and he thought it was great fun.

"I did not!" The Walker-boy's protest was in vain because the girl already knew. After all, she knew Kanda much better than Allen. She grabbed his leg and hauled him out of the snow bank.

"Maybe he just doesn't like snow?"

"Maybe he doesn't like people."

"No, that's not it. He only does this on holidays anyway. Except Halloween. He likes Halloween. Maybe a little too much?" Visions of the Halloween they had endured last year made the Lee girl a little sick to her stomach. Never again would she make the mistake of asking Kanda to help carve pumpkins. Never.

With a sigh, Allen looked up at the window very high above he had been hurled out of with great force. "Are we going to do something about it?"

"What do you think _can_ be done? It's Christmas Eve Allen. Just let it go."

"Aw! But nobody should have the authority to ruin Christmas!"

"Allen," Lenalee breathed slowly. "There really isn't anything we can do. It's like this EVERY year. Besides, he's just going to hide up in his room the whole day tomorrow like always."

He mumbled something to himself and crossed his arms. Kanda was certainly turning out to be more of an ass than he had expected.

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~

Sulking in his room and muttering curses to the holiday and all of its senseless stupidity, Kanda was intent of hiding away for all of Christmas Day. After all, what was the point of this? He'd been dealing with all of this idiotic holiday crap since before Thanksgiving. At least on Thanksgiving the Moyashi couldn't talk to him. His mouth was always stuffed.

Somehow, that led him into a thought process on metabolism. Seems like it's the same thing with almost all Anime characters, doesn't it? Except that one with all those ninjas. A few normal-looking people were in there.

Kanda convinced himself he could take all of said ninjas without breaking a sweat.

There was a clatter on the roof. Little tufts of snow fell down past the window and the noise seemed to grow.

"Dammit Komui, I am NOT dealing with this shit! Shut up!" It did not end. In fact, it seemed to grow even worse. Grasping the pillow against his ears with intensity, Yu rolled out of bed and walked to his door with rage in his eyes. "I swear to God, if that damned Moyashi has anything to do with this I'll kill him." Footsteps came up the stairs and down the corridor, nearing his room. Kanda thrust the pillow back to his bed and rested his hand on the Mugen.

The feet came closer, closer, and then they stopped right outside the door. Kanda took three cautious steps back and fell into a fighting stance, drawing out his sword.

The door was cracked open ever so slightly. A little more… a little more…and…

**BAM!!!**

In a flourish of blade and blood there lay a man in a red suit, unconscious on the ground, with Kanda standing vilely above with a sinister expression. "I freaking told you Komui!" He reached down and tried to pull the beard off of the insensible Santa.

There was, however, a problem.

The beard was real.

"What the…" Kanda got stunned and stayed where he was, unsure of the situation. In but a moment, several crashing noises were heard from all windows in the area. Kanda soon found he was surrounded by very short people… with pointy ears… and green coats… with guns…

And he couldn't call for help. Why? Two reasons…

1) Everybody was down in the lobby setting up presents under the tree. They'd never hear him.

2) He was just way too damn cool to scream out that he was being attacked by elves. I mean really now, who would ACTAULLY do that?

In the blink of an eye, Kanda found that he was being wrapped up in, well, wrapping paper. And then he was tied up with black ribbons and yelled at by multiple elves.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!??!"

A she-elf with a lot of authority watched the area while some others helped up Santa who was, not surprisingly, just fine. After all, if that had actually worked, how many dead Santas do you think they'd have? "Call off the back-up, we have it handled here," she commanded through a radio ear-piece. "No, it's bad. We've got a 3rd degree beard-puller here."

A male elf with a scruffy Popeye-the-sailor look going for him flashed a badge in Kanda's face as he lay confused and helpless on the ground wrapped in red paper.

"This is the S.L.H. Force. You're under arrest." He sounded pretty pissed off.

"The what?! I did what?!"

"Santa's Little Helpers. You've been convicted for the attempted murder of Mr. Claus, beard-pulling, and an all-around scrooge attitude."

"Butwhatha?!?! How do you-"

"We know everything. Do you really think the man in the red suit has time to watch all you little brats? Believe me, we know about you. We've been watching." He made that 'I'm watching you' sign with his fingers moving back from his eyes to Kanda twice.

"I didn't mean to do anything! Come on guys, this is just crazy!"

"Yeah, that's what they all say."

"But it's Christmas!"

"Ho, ho, ho. Get in the sleigh, bitch."

And so Kanda was taken off into the night by three elves. One of the two she-elves kept giggling girlishly was she looked at Kanda. The other was apparently the head-helper. She looked damned angry. And, of course, there was the elf that he'd already had an argument with.

"What the Hell have I gotten myself into?" Yu whispered.


	2. Fair Game

~~Fair Game~~

Kanda found that he had been stuffed into a tiny, freezing metal cell in the middle of God knows where awaiting a trial. And, that might not have seemed too incredibly insane if there weren't elves and the possibility of being killed for pulling Santa's beard hanging around the event. In actuality, Kanda wasn't all that sure of anything. All he knew was that he was stuffed in a little metal dog-crate inside of a walk-in freezer that had far too many brightly colored bows hanging about.

And he didn't have any warm clothes with him.

At last there was an interruption to the awful silence. However, Kanda might have been willing to give anything for a different kind of interruption. He peered out of the dog crate with edginess as ten elves dragged in two kicking and screaming characters that he really wished weren't there.

"Put us down you freaks!!! Get your hands off of me! Dero! Do something!!!"

"Devit!!!" Jasdero was positively bawling as he and his brother were shoved into two completely different crates, one on either side of Kanda.

"Oh dear God…"

"Come back here you midgets!!! I swear that I'll shoot all of you in the face!"

"Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Deviiiiii!!!!" Jasdero was soon taking to pounding his head against the plastic end of the carrier, nearly knocking Kanda over.

"Hey! WOULD YOU QUIT THAT?!!?"

"Oh God dammit!" cursed Devit as the elves disappeared. "It's bad enough we're here, but now I'm stuck with an exorcist too! SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!"

"Noooooooooooooo!" Jasdero went about his mindless wailing with more impact than before.

"I said quit!" Kanda sighed. He could tell already that he was going to have to spend an eternity with the two most obnoxious Noah he'd ever known.

"Shut up faggot!" Devit folded himself up tightly and growled with dissatisfaction. "What're you in for?"

"... I almost killed that man in red. You?"

"Ugh! Don't even get me started!" Kanda looked through the little holes in the side of his prison cell where he saw Devit's hand wave around with a flourish even in the cramped little space he had. "Dero and I were just minding our own business when we saw there were a ton of deer on the roof of the Earl's house. So, naturally, we thought that it would be nice to have some extra meat tomorrow and we shot. But, I mean, come on! How were we supposed to know they were reindeer! They were on our property, on our house, and that makes them fair game!"

Kanda made a very distinct "WTF" face. "Did you even think that maybe seeing a bunch of deer on your roof isn't normal and maybe you shouldn't be shooting at them?!"

"It was an easy mistake!"

"EASY?! How many deer do you know that can even GET on the roof of a mansion?!"

"… Shut up fag."

"DEVIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!" Jasdero sobbed.

"It's going to be fine Dero. Settle down!" The darker haired boy sighed and leaned back. "This blows. They confiscated our guns. You?"

"They took Mugen."

"Well damn. Hm… We've got to get out of here."

Kanda scoffed at him. "And you have a plan?"

"Shut up. I'm working on it." He hummed monotonously for a moment in an otherwise silent room. "Hey, Dero, tip the fag over."

"WHAT?!"

"Ok!!!" And just like that, Kanda found he was being tortured by the repeated onslaught of getting rammed in the side.

"What the hell is this for?!"

"Oh just bear with it." And, as if a sign from the heavens, the crate Yu was trapped in rolled over and the metal door was broken off. The samurai was very quick to crawl out and stretch out his legs. "Great! Now, LET US OUT!!!"

He turned around and faced the two pathetic Noah. It was so very tempting to just leave them there, run, and never have a second thought about it. And, God knows he'd never lose a wink of sleep. But, on the other hand, they seemed to have a great deal more escape techniques than he did, and should he be attacked by more elves, it would be nice to have something to throw at them to slow down the assault. He gave in and opened up both of their crates.

They leapt out in a very cartoony fashion, arms waving up in the air as if they'd been stuck in there five weeks more than they had (which would have been about five weeks and two minutes).

"So, where do we go now?" Kanda looked around. As the door was locked, it didn't seem like they'd be getting a whole lot farther.

Devit pounded on the exit as if it would open just because he asked it to. "Hm, this might be tricky."

Jasdero spun around uselessly as he looked up at the ceiling. Kanda decided to help with the progress best he knew how.

"You aren't kicking it hard enough!" He gave the strongest side kick he could to the stubborn door. A shockwave of pain crawled up his leg and made him yelp loudly.

"You were saying, fag?"

"I'd like to see you do better!"

"Fine then! Move aside!" Devit backed up all the way to the other side of the room, giving his attack a running start. "HYAAAAA!!" As his foot made contact with the completely solid object, his reaction was not too far from Kanda's. "SON OF A BITCH!!!" Tears leaked from his eyes as he tried to hold back even louder screams.

"Devit!" Jasdero was playfully calling for his brother.

"Not now Dero! We're trying to get out!"

"No! Look!" He pointed up at an air duct that was located conveniently in the room. The opening was on the ceiling, and provided a possible escape route.

"Great job bro!" The dark haired Noah ran and jumped up on Jasdero's shoulders, and then made a wave for Kanda to follow suit. Reluctantly, the exorcist obliged. He punched in the opening and crawled through. Though a tight squeeze, he was plenty capable of turning around, pulling up Devit, and then waiting for the blonde one to follow. "Now, we need to pick a way to go…"

Yu looked both in front of and behind himself. "They both look the same."

"That way!!!" Jasdero grinned broadly and pointed straight ahead.

Devit and Kanda looked at the overly decisive teammate with a tiny sweat drop of idiocy trickling down their foreheads. But, alas, as they had no better idea, they shrugged and went in the direction the likely brain-dead Noah had indicated. After all, it was better than going backwards.

As they inched on, the three of them came across an opening in the metal duct that looked down on what seemed to be a factory. Devit and Jasdero shoved Kanda out of the way to get a better look.

Hundreds of feet below, countless of people were emptily placing the heads on dolls and wheels on toy cars and various other things of the nature that were passed along endless streams of conveyor belts. The entire area was painted lifeless and gray; likely the only not-holiday-like place in the entire prison. Behind them paced a great deal of whip toting elves that bore snide smiles.

"Woah," Devit awed. "It's, like, Christmas of the Living Dead down there."

"Oooooo!!" Jasdero happily imitated his favorite zombie noises. Kanda scowled and continued looking upon the scene below from what little space he had been given.

But, of course they couldn't just escape without having to get in more trouble first. No. Not happening. Because, what kind of an adventure would that be?

One of the many guarding elves happened to look up in the direction of the air duct where he caught sight of a very annoying little light. In turn, he called for many of his peers to look as well. Soon enough, the entire prison was staring up at the three hiding escapees.

Devit was trying to figure out what had happened when he noticed that Jasdero hadn't turned off his head light. "OH SHIT!" He grabbed the light off of his brother's head as Kanda looked like he would have well liked to kill the both of them. It was, however, far too late. The elves shot a few rockets up at them, breaking the path and sending the exorcist and Noah tumbling from the air screaming.


	3. The Three Phantoms

**Sorry this took so long to come out! I've been spending the past few days with family down-state, so I couldn't get to my documents. Please enjoy the last part of the Great Bah-Humbug!** **(I kinda got lazy near the end, I'm sure you can tell.)**

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***'The Three Phantoms'***

They three completely confused and dazed captives rubbed their heads wearily as they stared into the barrels of decorated guns.

"… Oh… shit…" Devit was sweating. He had landed, somewhat fortunately, on top of his twin. However, the impact had jarred the poor blond boy's head in the wrong direction and he was out cold. A tiny trickle of unconscious drool had absorbed into Devit's coat.

"No duh," Kanda retorted as he looked at one of the angry elves so closely that his eyes crossed.

The ground rumbled violently. The little elves were so startled by the all-too-familiar sound that they bumbled around stupidly to get out of the path of the monsters. Kanda and Devit (and not really Jasdero) stared up blankly and with nervousness into the eyes of three horrible giants. The shadows of unseen demons were cast over the trio, chilling them deep in their spines. They were terrified. Traumatized. Scarred for life.

And totally disappointed.

The alleged giants turned out to be three floating, see-through elves who were overweight and wearing the cheap nametags that say "Hello! My name is" and then you write your name on the line under those words.

Truly, they had wished there was something worth-while to fear.

"Are you kidding me?!" Devit was actually brave enough to stand up and flail his arms around in protest. "What the hell are you freaks supposed to be?!"

"We are the three ghosts of Christmas~! OOOOOO~!" They all spoke in unison and attempted to amp up their Scare-Factor.

"… Right…" The samurai was now about as frightened of the three dead buffoons as he would be a small rabbit. That is, if Lavi wasn't involved. If the red-head was anywhere near said rabbit, it would have been cause for concern. But, as that was not the case, the ghosts were clearly not scary at all.

"Oh, come on! Aren't you even a little scared?!"

"No."

One flew next to Kanda's right ear. On his nametag was "Past". "We're all dead! That has to count for something!"

"Look moron, I deal with Akuma all the time. Dead things are NOT scary." He ducked under the ghost and put his interest towards poking Jasdero with the toe of his shoe.

"Oh! COME ON!!" The ghost labeled "Present" floated next to Devit. The dark-haired Noah twin was staring at his brother with fixed attention. "BOO! Look! I'm TERRIFYING!!!"

"Move out of the way moron, you're blocking my view." Devit swatted the phantom away with his hand, though it did no more than pass through without obstacle. "Is he going to be all right?"

Kanda coughed and shrugged, continuing to entertain himself by kicking Jasdero's stomach.

For a second, Devit turned around and faced the last of the apparitions, who was wearing a nametag that greatly bamboozled the boy. "I think you spelled your name wrong."

"Hey twit, I think I KNOW how to spell my own damned name!" His face got twisted up in irritation.

"Hey, I'm no genius..."

"Clearly," Kanda interrupted with a whisper. Devit did not notice, or if he did, he did not care.

"… but I don't think you spell future with a 'ph' at the beginning."

"Oh shut up! Present and Past both start with the same letter! I didn't want to be left out! 'F's just aren't cool anymore!"

Nobody commented on that, though the spirit was awarded by two sideways glances filled with confusion and lack of care. Devit grabbed up his brother and the trio who were being badgered the entire way with unsatisfied ghosts, went in search of two firearms and a katana.

After a good three or four hours of enduring endless and obnoxious chat from the floating pests behind them while having to check every room in every hall of every wing or every tower of every section of the jail the three prisoners were getting ticked. Even the usually light-hearted and joyful Jasdero was attempting to clog his ears with two bandaged fingers.

However, it was Yu to break first. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!" And, without warning, he took off down the corridor at top speed, narrowly dodging the wreaths that had been knocked to the floor by excited elves. Devit and Dero tried their very hardest to chase after, but fell over one-another's feet.

Kanda rushed into a janitor's closet and shut the door with such force that he could feel the concrete under his feet shutter. He sank to the ground, back pressed firmly against the exit. His chest ached and he looked wide-eyes into the darkness he had placed himself in.

"Oh thank God!" he thought to himself. His hands fumbled at his side, searching for the blade that was not there. "Dammit! I really wish I could kill those freaks!" His head banged against the door with force; though after the night he'd had, there was no way something so insignificant would give him a headache.

And then, like a message from God himself, a box fell right on his cranium. That seemed plenty capable of causing pain. "Son of a—"

Out of that box tumbled a sword and two crude firearms. It was lucky for the samurai that he was well-concealed in the closet, for the squeal that came out of his mouth might have been used as blackmail for the rest of his life.

Kanda tore right out of the closet when he collected himself, tossing the guns in the general direction of Jasdevi, and fleeing blindly to the Launch Bay, the twins on his heels, and very confused.

And so, the three tortured, insane, and mentally scarred boys hijacked a spare sleigh, flew home, and that was that. The end. Sort of…

"We never speak of this again, understood?!" Devit was making it VERY clear that Kanda was not to tell anybody of the event. Many hand gestures had come from both directions.

"No freaking duh." He jumped, sailing down from the sky and landing very gracefully right outside of the HQ. He walked in and pretended everything was completely normal.

He had, however, completely forgotten that there was a party.

Completely shocked by the appearance of the resident scrooge, every face in the Order was directed right at Yu, who was having just a hard enough time trying to get back to his room without drawing questions. On his way up the stairs, he was unfortunate enough to look up and see the terrifying face of an all-too-familiar elf that held a grudge. The gruff man flashed an "I'm-watching-you" sign, and Kanda lost his will to be in solitude.

"Hey Kanda!" A wonderful excuse managed to materialize. Allen walked up next to the stairs and shouted up to the stressed and bemused samurai exorcist. "Merry Christmas!"

Mumbles of things around the basic line of "Holy Shit! He did NOT just say hat to Kanda, did he?!" Gasp.

"Yeah… whatever." And there Kanda sat on the stairs, right there for the rest of the party.

And not one person was thrown out of a window that night.

**The End**

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**If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Next project- a far more serious DGM fanfiction where I'll try to really show off how well I can write. Merry Belated Christmas and a Happy New Year! ;P  
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